Ambuscades, Escapades & Accolades

Under bizarre exceptional circumstances unknown to us, we went on a holiday outnumbered by men for the first time. Rishikesh got voted over Jaipur in under a second.
The erudition of my existence dawned on me as the battle slowly began over music, shopping time vs. perpetual passive smoking and incompatible hygiene standards. What was meant to be a great holiday with friends ended up being an experiment on a select sample of men and I intend to disclose some of my findings despite the potential social impact on some lives :)

Leaky to Squeaky-Clean!
Long back breaking bus journeys lead to solace seeking in packets of calorie loaded toxic junk food. Sweaty-sweltering road trips, dirtier-dustier settings and grimier-greasier hands. Mildly repugnant? Everyone’s hands stuck in one packet till the last titbits are licked off and the next packet is hauled out. My fav B&BW sanitizer seemed like a life saver with all those hands in one packet. Who’d imagined I’d be opening Pandora’s Box, what I failed to foresee was the number of hand sanitizers I’d run out of considering the number of times men hop off buses to take a leak.

One loo & one too many people
Guys can start their day at noon (barely recovering from last night’s hangover, sipping on their next beer already), not look beyond the curtains and boast of a splendid holiday.
So once we’re all dolled up, we start waking up the men. I’ve been on many a assassination list through hostel life for the piercing virtues of my voice on a lazy afternoon. Imagine three such voices in chorus! These oblivious,almost lifeless objects could easily be snoring blissfully in the middle of a tsunami. The herculean task of bringing these lifeless objects back to life is a pretty rigorous warm up routine. Shoving opponents twice your size into the forbidden “chamber of water” is more gruelling than wrestling with Yokozuna. Just past that laudable feat you realise their bathing products need to be shipped in…you’d be surprised with the heavy weight exercise opportunity that presents itself before you.
Behold! 2-in-1 gentle extra nourishing shampoo & conditioner, frizz control serum, SPF 60 sunscreen, exfoliating face wash, mild face scrub, anti-friction shaving gel, aloe vera hair gel, black head strips, gentle moisturising cream for men with sensitive skin and…FAIR & HANDSOME(and you wondered who bought those!).We decided to hide my face in indignity than explore this zone further.They’d put any high maintenance woman to shame not enough that leaving toilet seats up, spray peeing and cacophonous bathroom singing are bad enough.So, the second half of the day is spent getting ready as they shriek,“The night is still young”.

Busted!
Contrary to the belief men have that they are born with the GPRS facility genetically tuned into some part of their mammoth brains-Men have no sense of direction, men cant read maps AND what’s worse is that they refuse to ask for directions! Men can ask unknown women for their numbers and unfamiliar men for cigarettes but asking directions is really the lowest I assume that they believe they can stoop. Wonder why we’ve never heard of a man’s instinct…well, that’s because it doesn’t exist. The unexpectedly remarkable result was that we got to a lot more sightseeing between the bathing & drinking.
Garfield’s award for the World’s Laziest
Watching sports on TV endlessly is undeniably a tradition of the lethargic. The lazier than Garfield dogs in AK’s house burn a few calories changing channels from WWE the second AK walks out of the room. Sometimes I wonder if men toss a coin to determine who would take over this noteworthy responsibility. Flipping sports channels are after all the highest level of brain and bodily activity, almost like interactive media-they watch and pretend to be playing too! Talk about being in control,sharing the remote is indeed a possibility very remote. I hand it over the men for that.HA!

Amen. A rather abrupt one at that, but that was a lot of male bashing.

P.S- I owe this to the celebrities featured in this post.
I swear by Almighty God that I will write the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth with a pinch of exaggeration.There IS no smoke without fire.